...To Getting Knocked Up in College
Homecoming is just around the corner. With that lovely thought I couldn't help but hearken back to my glorious college days and my fellow, delightful university-mates. So here’s the thing, 1.) Don’t get knocked up in college. 2.) Don’t put your baby in a dumpster. I love the college I went to but it is known for two things: football and babies in dumpsters. Okay, three things maybe – USC’s film school isn’t too shabby. Sure, maybe I don’t have vast expertise in baby dumping but that is only due to the fact that I have never thrown a baby in a dumpster. Studies have shown that the reason I have never thrown a baby in a dumpster or even come close to having the opportunity to do so is related to the fact that my daddy issues are negligible; also because I never felt the need to skank it up with an endless parade of Asshat McDouchebags who would have been prime subjects for 16 and Pregnant had the show only premiered a few years earlier (timing is everything, right?). Babies are expensive. Pregnancies are expensive, and cause stretch marks. Condoms however, are priceless. Just kidding, I mean they are in the proverbial sense but they actually cost around $1 each. A nominal amount to be sure - and that is the key takeaway here, kids. Shit, in college I was stealing my lunch off the craft service table of whatever production was trying to make USC look like the Ivy League that week. There was no way I, or anyone like me could have afforded to feed a child as well. USC’s dumpster baby guru – Holly Ashcroft – she clearly had never heard of the “No Questions Asked” law or of student health insurance because she got pregnant and tossed her baby in a dumpster not once, but twice. Yep, she dumpster dumped twice. So if you find yourself in a similar situation as Ms. Ashcroft and can’t afford said baby please read the above paragraph once more, and then also remind yourself that unlike Unicorns, both “No Questions Asked” and student health insurance do exist in addition to fine establishments like Planned Parenthood. If nothing else, Angelina Jolie will probably take your baby. I am fairly certain it is possible to do something with your pregnancy or newborn well before the point of baby dumpster diving behind your local college eatery (insert uncomfortable menu joke here). It is a lot easier on the wallet and certainly a lot easier on the conscience. Once is bad enough, but two times? Come on. That’s just pure laziness. That is like peeing on the couch because they just launched into the first musical number on Glee and the bathroom is ‘too far’. Hitting the pause button on your DVR and standing up would clearly just be too much. Let me repeat again, never is it alright for you to put your baby in a dumpster; not even the cabbage patch variety you had from when you were a kid - those will fetch a lot on eBay. If you can’t even afford the condom, you probably can’t afford the kid....or the jail time, really. And if you really can’t afford it and Angelina has no vacancy, there is always my tried and true method of saving money on child rearing: keep it in your pants.